Being a parent has never been easy. Just this morning my 3 year old screamed at me for over an hour because her favorite Halloween costume was in the wash (in August) and she couldn’t wear it. My 6 year old just kicked me in the face while wrestling as well. And, I am pretty sure they’ve mostly tuned me out already. So, as a fellow parent, albeit, with children as earlier stages of life than probably who is reading this, I’d like to preference this article with some empathy: I’m not here to dunk on parents as most coaches do in 2026. What I’d like to do is help you learn from other parents’ mistakes I’ve seen in over a decade of doing recruiting strategy so you might be able to avoid some of the same headaches your peer parents have gone through.
Recruiting is not an entirely controllable process. That is a daunting reality for parents to accept. K-12th grade schooling is largely controllable for parents. You can choose where kids go to school, you can more or less select their teams and who they play for. The life path for your child from birth to high school graduation is largely set and highly controllable. Even if you’re going through front door admissions as a regular student, admissions committees are subject to just as much timing, luck, chance and randomness as the athletic recruiting process might be.
“You can apply to UPenn using the same application 10 times in a row and get admitted 6 times”
College, more broadly, has also morphed into the American Dream 2.0, in my opinion. College still remains the penultimate goal most Western, definitely American, parenting. You could say, college is the god of the American childhood. It’s parents’ last major milestone until they become grandparents to feel like they set their child up for life economically, socially, or professionally. This pain of being the “last stop” for parenting is felt acutely by parents and can cause them to do some funky things. While we all know, logically, that your child’s sense of purpose, happiness and wellbeing really are the actual goals of life, it is easy to use the college logo bumper sticker on the back of your car as the actual score card.
College is the god of the American childhood
You also cannot want your child to be recruited more than they do. While you can use your child’s sport to get admitted to a school that but for their sport they would not have normally gotten admitted to, this cannot be the only purpose of playing your sport. If your child’s sport is not the air they breathe, if it is not something they can live without and not something they are truly passionate about, you should definitely not try to get recruited. Sadly, many times, players try to get recruited because they want to make their parents happy.
Ivy+ coaches don’t really want to hear about your interest in their academics. They already know you like school because you’re there talking to them. What they really want to do is talk ball and walk away knowing you’re a true competitor who loves their sport, not someone just trying to use their sport to get into the school. Rosters in the Ivy+ world are just too small and academics are just too insurmountable to get transfer in to miss on recruits. If Yale misses on a player, they’re stuck with that player for 4 or 5 years. If Rutgers misses, they can cut him tomorrow and pull out a player from the portal easily.
While it is well-intentioned, it is also misguided to concierge parent your child through the recruiting process. Concierge parenting is removing obstacles from your child’s way, usually unbeknownst to them. Unlike helicopter parenting where the over-parenting is obvious and blatant, concierge parenting is more subtle, behind the scenes and attempts to make the child’s life easier without their knowledge.
Parents who run their child’s social media account are painfully obvious. They post incessantly and they post everything - all lifts, all camps, all graphics, all tape, tag 100s of coaches in a single post and usually with captions that irk coaches like “Don’t sleep on me”, “Only getting better!”, or in general promote a “me, me, me, me” narrative on X. They also DM coaches or email them paragraphs of text which, I can assure you, no one is excited to read nor is read. No one is excited to get a DM written by a Baby Boomer, Gen X’er or Old Millennial. There is nothing wrong with having mom or dad proof read your emails/DM’s but your child should be the one pressing send, not your parents. “But Johnny’s so busy! I’m just trying to help him out!”, right, but Johnny also needs to grow up and take ownership of checking his own email/DM’s - it takes 15 seconds a day. Recruiting should be about helping your child grow up, not extending childhood even longer.
You also don’t need to sell your child to coaches when you’re on a visit. No coach wants to hear from you they want to hear from YOUR CHILD. The domineering father who cuts his wife or child off is a huge red flag on visits. The mother who is constantly pitching their child to coaches think they’re helping but they’re actually irking coaches.
Coaches know football better than a parent does and they already like what they saw on tape, or you wouldn’t be on the visit. If your child couldn’t get a word in, put two words together how is he going to walk and chew gum when he’s on his own on campus? It’s really hard to let your child run the show in these high stakes visits, but it’s about the basics: good posture, firm handshake, eye contact, phone away, ask questions about the program/ball and keep in mind, coaches talk to versions of your child all day all the time. They’re used to a few hiccups here and there. It’s totally OK to be friendly with coaches and ask a few questions but 80% of the time, your child should be the one leading the show.
Evergreen Questions You Can Ask
Some questions that never go out of style you or your child can ask:
What do all your successful freshmen tend to do that other guys who struggle don’t?
What have you found is different here at X school that you have found anywhere else in your career?
Where you in my shoes, what advice would you have for us as we go through this recruiting process?
What’s your potential timeline like for how you guys like to make recruitment decisions?
What academic benchmarks i.e. GPA/ACT/SAT numbers, types of courses to take would you advise us on?
How do you guys evaluate rigor on transcripts?
What is your philosophy on player development for my position? What types of O/D/SPT’s do you guys typically run?
The quality of your parenting is not dependent upon the quality of your child’s college outcome.
Timing, luck and chance create a world where you can do everything right and still not get the offer from the school you dream of sending your child to. One of your last chapters as a parent is your child’s college, but it’s also, at the same time, one of your child’s first chapters into the adult world too. No one is going to get it exactly right - it’s impossible to parent without making mistakes almost daily. But, you’re not a bad parent if Johnny doesn’t go to Harvard either.
To recap:
You can’t want your child to be recruited more than they do.
Recruiting is not an entirely controllable process. Timing, luck and chance get as much of a vote your child’s measureables, academics, and game tape do.
You don’t need to pitch/sell your child to coaches.
Do not impersonate your child on X/email with coaches.
Coaches need to know your child loves their sport, not just using it for recruitment.
Totally fine to ask questions and be friendly with coaches but your child should run the show 80% of the time.
Your success as a parent is not proportional to your child’s success as a college recruit.
That’s all for now. Please drop a line in the comments below or join my newsletter community to continue the conversation
Brendan
PS When you’re ready, here are three ways I can help you:
Schedule an initial recruiting consultation here calendly.com/brendancahill_
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